Why Criticism Feels Painful and How We Can Let Go of It
Let’s say I made fun of you for having rainbow coloured hair. Would that affect you?
No it wouldn’t - because you DO NOT have rainbow coloured hair (if you do in fact have rainbow hair, pick a different colour and reconsider this thought experiment). In fact, we might find it funny or ridiculous that someone would try making fun of us for such a thing - especially as it is not who we are, or remotely close to it!
So why is it that often when someone criticises us for something, we take it personally? The answer is simple, it’s because we feel like part of us has been hurt. And part of us has been hurt - our ego has been hurt, in some way. Our ego is hurt because it believes its sense of safety and stability has been challenged. Therefore, in order to keep itself safe, it provides us with a negative stimulus to keep us away from similar situations or people. On the other hand, if we have been criticised in some way but we do not feel like the criticism relates to us or is confronting an aspect of our self, the ego does not react, for its safety has not been challenged.
The key here is to realise that when we are attached and identifying with the things that we are being criticised for, we feel a reaction to it. In those situations it is as if we are attached to the wall like a painting stuck on with velcro.
We are holding onto those aspects as part of our “self”. Criticism of this feels like a rejection or judgement onto ourselves, and brings up negative emotion.
It is important to recognise that just like we don’t have rainbow coloured hair, we also don’t have the things people are criticizing us for. They are not “us”, even if we might think they are. And if we think they are, we must investigate to figure out if this is actually the truth.
The core issue here is the identification with the aspect being criticised - we think it is us, part of us, or relates to us in some way. This is the ego mind that is holding things close. Rejections of the things that we hold close causes us to defend this illusory creation that we consider to be part of us. And that might mean a negative reaction or feeling - prompting us to stay away from the person or situation, in order for that aspect of the ego to remain lodged in our perception of who we think we are.
However, when you can rip off the velcro that is keeping yourself bound to the object that you identify with, you free yourself from the feeling that it is you, or part of you.
In a work or social context it can be easy for us to feel attacked when someone criticises our work or something we are responsible for. On the other hand, we might feel a lot of validation when we receive praise from someone. We hold the “action/thing” close to us, and want to protect or re-enforce it (our ego towards it). You can almost think of it like its own self conscious entity that has taken hold in your mind, with its own values, beliefs and desires (albeit to a limited extent). So when you hear someone say you are “attached” to something, this is essentially what they mean. We are also strongly conditioned from society, our environment, consumerism, and the people around us, which molds us in different ways, for better or worse.
Because people typically believe they have a strong control and influence over their reality, they also think what they do is governed by themselves. They think they are the micromanaging CEO of their reality with a strong say on all governance across the board. Instead what we are is more akin to a CEO having a discussion with the board of directors, and having limited control but an overall important impact in the long term direction of the company (your life). We can take this further, but this is a good analogy to start stretching your mind with.
Because we don’t recognise how little “control” we actually have moment to moment, we begin to grasp and get agitated when things don’t go our way. If we can surrender to the fact we don’t have this active and constant control, we allow things to flow more naturally, and will begin to feel more ease, and flow. This isn’t coming from a place of powerlessness (giving up) either. Instead this is about aligning yourself with how things really are, rather than how you want them to be. To see the nature of reality and what is happening in this moment for its true essence, not some illusion due to conditionings or desire for safety, security, acceptance, or some other aspect of control.
The Path From Conditioned to True Self
First strong conditionings are covering and preventing your true self from shining brightly. The black box covers your light, and the way it’s shaped isn’t the way that your true self is naturally aligned.
Over time, through investigating into the nature of reality and what we truly are, we become more aligned to our true nature, and the big box that covers our view shifts into a friendlier circle that now matches our shape. Over time, this gets smaller, and smaller, until one day the conditioning no longer holds control over you, leaving true freedom in the shape that you truly are, and was this whole time.
If you feel like things in your external world are impacting you negatively, I would advise to start cultivating awareness around what aspects we are identifying with. What aspects are we believing is “us” or “part of us”? Once you’ve figured out these areas, the next step is to let go of identifying with them.